Tearful Tuesday

It's past now, but theres a tale to tell. Tuesday was such difficult and tear-filled day. You may know this already, but I realized on Tuesday that my body is very messed up! As I mentioned before, I had a problem with one of my chest tube sites again! Different one this time, like it matters! It opened up and Caleb said,"It looks like we could just pull it open and look into your body". Not good. It had some puss, going downhill. A friend came over, and got me hydrogen peroxiding it. It looks better now, but not great yet.

I've been taking percacet, and Monday night I had a massage from a fabulous body-worker friend of mine. I left feeling clear. Can't describe it shortly better than that. I didn't take percacet on Monday and didn't need to. Now, being of sound mind, and body, realizing I couldn't move the way I have been without damaging my body, I became paralized. I didn't feed my kids, they began fighting, including one throwing a stool an another! Thankfully, Grammie pushed her plans to take the kids and I spent the entire day crying off and mostly on. I have NEVER cried like this in my life. Even in marriage hell, I cried and was done with it.

Taking this percacet has numbed my emotions and given me a false sence of well being. I'm laughing, isn't this why people take drugs? I can really get that now! I am taking it some nights still. I feel survivable during the day, and some nights start to feel really sore and some sharp pains. I fully expected to be in good enough shape to help out last week with the kids Jungle Kamp, and this weekend to be able so sit long enough for all day seminars. I'm really hitting the reality wall hard. Like I said, I'm just starting to get it that my body is so damaged.

The Lord is good, faithfull and takes care of me, not the way I would have asked of course, but I don't have all the puzzle peices nor the perspective and wisdom of the God of the Universe. I had no one lined up to help me this week, because Lawrence needed to start going to work, so I figured I should be able to do that by now on my own, so I decided I would do it alone.

Funny, I could have gone a lifetime without learning to ask for help while desperate and truely vulnerable. I wanted to wait until I was composed before asking people for help this week, but that time never came, and I realized I could not wait or I'd have a rerun of this day tomorrow. I called and left quivering messages for different friends. For most of you who know me, I don't cry, I don't ask for help and I've been pretty stoic in my life in general, PRIDEFUL. Well, I've been asking the Lord to take me to the next level, and he is faithful.

While in the 3rd or 4th round crying in the shower, I was beggning for deliverance from the Lord and I realized he was giving me the opportunity to be delivered through personal growth. He could just fix me, the situation, whatever, but how would that help me in the long run? I had to do my part and call people and ask for help. As one of my friends said, who wasn't available, the worst that will happen is someone saying what she said to me,"Sorry, I wish I could, but I'm not available".

Happily, my Wednesday was much better. Night and day. I had a friend and her kids over for the first part of the day, well until 330p really. The kids all played, my friend, Janet declared war on the ants in the freezer/fridge, yes you read correctly :(

At one point my kids began melting down, I was just saying, ok I need to feed them NOW, and Janet said, oh, my husband is hear with food. It doesn't get better than that! Well, ok, if I could eat the food myself... After slaving in the kitchen for hours, Janet vacuumed, played tug-of-war with an area rug, unfortunately, the rug won, but all is clean and vacuumed again.

Then the next shift came over till Lawrence came home. I'm also realizing this process has been isolating for me, not good for anyone, but I'm an extravert and grow like a flower with companionship. Now it's time to push for human contact.

Thanks for your continued prayers. I still desperately need them. Now more than ever. This is by far the hardest phase of this experience for me.