working out my salvation

12Therefore, my dear friends, as you have always obeyed—not only in my presence, but now much more in my absence—continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling, 13for it is God who works in you to will and to act according to his good purpose.
Philippians 2:12-13

I never really thought about what the phrase working out my salvation meant. I am struck by this verse today. I am doing soul searching, growing, hearing God in different ways, having breakthroughs in understanding..... and so much more. This morning, Jackson was talking about forgiveness. I think I've learned how to forgive, had some real breakthroughs in this area in the past. One thing Jackson said struck me. Tolerating is not forgiving. I have come to tolerate many things in my life. This 'information packet' (aka mass) is showing me how this has not been beneficial to me. I choose to be forgiving as I am now seeing with new eyes, insults that I've tolerated, and stored away inside me. Holding in, without even realizing it, building this mass inside of me. Do I believe I solely created and built this mass in self destruction, no. But what Satan meant for evil, God means for good.

Judgementalness, and not forgiving are very intertwined. I have recently seen how judgemental I can be. Pride and judgementalness go hand in hand. With the same measure you forgive, you will be forgiven. Same with judgement. I have been judged very harshly, I can never measure up to where I should be. This is why Jesus has given his ultimate sacrifice. Because I don't have to measure up, he took the judgement for me.

He prayed at the Garden of Gethsemane, that if this hideous experience could be taken from him, that it would. I feel the same way. If I can learn the lessons I need to embody, understand and know, please spare me from what I see in my path. BUT, if this is the only way for me to work out my salvation, and I don't mean to be saved from hell, but to be given life here on earth, to live in abundance that can only come from God, through Christ, and my relationship with him, then I accept with open arms the journey he's laid out before me and my family.

I pray that you will accept the gift God gave us through the pain he suffered, so that you can be free from the oppression that comes from living for your pleasure and yourself. God calls us to him and to live intensely for his purposes in different ways. The burden of living for ourselves is heavy. We each live it in our own ways, I have judgementalness, perfectionist tendencies, and whatever else. Others have depression, self-focus and loathing.

I am working out my salvation, and I pray I will be here to raise my children and one day see theirs.