Prayer requests

Current prayer needs

1. Assimilation into character all of the things God has been revealing to me
2. harmony among siblings, spirit of unity and building each-other up rather than tearing down, fighting, or teasing
3. continued peace
4. radiologist would make recommendation for next course of action. They have my films, reports etc and are coming up with next step(I think they must just have my paperwork in a stack and are waiting to get to it)
5. Parenting – help kids focus on being a team, building each-other up. Doing school effectively, finding their strengths and disciplining with each kids uniqueness in mind
6. Going to bed by or near 11p, rather than later. That I would feel tired at that time. This is when I usually get my energy.
7. Restful sleep- Lawrence and Heidi
8. Peace and comfort, wisdom, discernment for Lawrence.
9. Malachi has been having nightmares – age appropriate, but please pray that he will no longer have them as we pray together for them to go away and that he’d focus on God, sing a song, or have some other experience of Gods power instead

10. Lastly, shrinking the mass.

I know I’m being prayed for as I have tremendous peace. Thank you to all the Straub siblings for praying for my health and healing, and thank you to all of you who are reading my blog and keeping me in your prayers.

Still waiting to hear from Radiologist their recommondation as to next step. Will update blog when I hear any news.

Reviewing blood test numbers

I'm going through my last blood test numbers with a fine tooth comb and my buddy Google. I came accross some interesting results. My AST is low, less than 15, normal range 16-41. All I can find is for elevated AST. Bilirubin, direct is less than 0.1, normal range 0.1-0.3. Again only high info. Alkaline phosphatese 132, normal 29-111. Below is what I found regarding Alkaline phosphatese.

Causes of high alkaline phosphatase include bone growth, healing fracture, acromegaly, osteogenic sarcoma, liver or bone metastases, leukemia, myelofibrosis, and rarely myeloma. Alkaline phosphatase is used as a tumor marker. http://www.labcorp.com/datasets/labcorp/html/chapter/mono/pr014700.htm

Tumor markers are substances, usually proteins, that are produced by the body in response to cancer growth or by the cancer tissue itself. Some tumor markers are specific, while others are seen in several cancer types. Many of the well-known markers are also seen in non-cancerous conditions. Consequently, these tumor markers are not diagnostic for cancer.

Will check with my NP tomorrow to get new bloodwork to go over, and to find out my next step. I'll keep you posted.

How many cooks?

Malachi enjoys the spoils of cake making. Silas throws back a beater.

This was our happy UN-birthday cake we made. Thanks Amy for the mix.

Simple Revelations

My need to nurture the world is my revelation for this week. Owning other people’s happiness has been killing me, figuratively and literally. This mass is next to my heart where I hold close my misguided responsibility to the world. Thank God I am not Jesus! I’ve just been confused as to my role with other people’s needs and emotions.

If you are really eager to give, it isn't important how much you are able to give. God wants you to give what you have, not what you don't have. 2 Corinthians 8:12

Duh! I have been giving eagerly, but from what I don't have. Now I can give from a truly generous place, while I learn what I have and what I don't have. I'm also figuring out how to change the way I process and recognize when to get away and recognizing other peoples ownership of their emotions. Mine, not mine.

I’m very receptive. I’ve found that I feel the emotions for Lawrence for instance. He had a project due early Monday, and was feeling overwhelmed so he was headed up for a nap. I found myself completely overwhelmed with him leaving our family space. I was feeling despair, and suddenly realized, “I stay home with my kids alone all the time. This is not a big deal.” That’s when I realized I was tapping in on Lawrence’s feelings, not my own. A little out there, but if the shoe fits! Getting a mass in your body is a bit out there too:-o My body’s way of screaming at me, “You have to change some things, NOW!!!

Biopsy Inconclusive

The results of the core biopsy done last week are inconclusive. The samples were small, stringy and didn't give much information. Probably not malignant going on history of no cancer in my family, and my being virtually asymptomatic. Symptom was from the mass itself, wheezing, and getting bronchitis.

Bottom line is, a larger sample is required. The good thing is, I have 1 person keeping track of things now, I can relax in that area, not trying to coordinate. That is a relief.

Next step now is to get more blood work done, probably have a pet scan(never heard of it? Me neither, gonna Google it in a minute), and then another biopsy. I will be put out for the next biopsy since they will be taking a larger chunk close to the aorta, the reason the last samples were so small.

More waiting, more prayers. I really covet your prayers for peace, calm and being free from anxiety. I've been feeling the anxiety in my stomach.

Just got a call again from my UCSF Nurse Practitioner, Gjedsted. I am getting set up with a Radiologist to review all the films of the 2 cat scans and MRI to determine if any new pictures need to be taken with the pet scan. Will find out more information next week, after the Radiologist reviews the films. So I imagine, I won't find out anything until at least Thursday or Friday at the earliest. I had blood taken back in October of 2006 and it had no unusual white blood cell counts, which is good and indicated not malignant.

Who's on 2nd? Yes. What? What's on 3rd....

Please pray this with me. Siting a precedence from scripture. 2 Corinthians 1:10-11.... this is Paul sending a letter to the people in Corinth, referring to a difficult time he had in Asia as a missionary.

....."And he did deliver us from mortal danger. And we are confident that he will continue to deliver us. He will rescue us because you are helping by praying for us. As a result, many will give thanks to God because so many people's prayers for our safety have been answered."

This morning was filled with many phone calls trying to get my biopsy specimen sent to UCSF from Stanford. I have talked to countless people this morning, docs, lab techs, billing depts, customer service, and an assundry of others. Bottom line is, I've exhausted my leads and now wait for return calls. The insurance company advised me that Stanford should call for a clearance before performing the pathology, so if they don't, and later bill me, it will involve more legwork and phonecalls, but I will not be responsible for the charges. Praise God for that! Now the specimen needs to get to UCSF for diagnosis so we can move on to the next step.

Thank you for your prayers, and please keep on praying for me.

working out my salvation

12Therefore, my dear friends, as you have always obeyed—not only in my presence, but now much more in my absence—continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling, 13for it is God who works in you to will and to act according to his good purpose.
Philippians 2:12-13

I never really thought about what the phrase working out my salvation meant. I am struck by this verse today. I am doing soul searching, growing, hearing God in different ways, having breakthroughs in understanding..... and so much more. This morning, Jackson was talking about forgiveness. I think I've learned how to forgive, had some real breakthroughs in this area in the past. One thing Jackson said struck me. Tolerating is not forgiving. I have come to tolerate many things in my life. This 'information packet' (aka mass) is showing me how this has not been beneficial to me. I choose to be forgiving as I am now seeing with new eyes, insults that I've tolerated, and stored away inside me. Holding in, without even realizing it, building this mass inside of me. Do I believe I solely created and built this mass in self destruction, no. But what Satan meant for evil, God means for good.

Judgementalness, and not forgiving are very intertwined. I have recently seen how judgemental I can be. Pride and judgementalness go hand in hand. With the same measure you forgive, you will be forgiven. Same with judgement. I have been judged very harshly, I can never measure up to where I should be. This is why Jesus has given his ultimate sacrifice. Because I don't have to measure up, he took the judgement for me.

He prayed at the Garden of Gethsemane, that if this hideous experience could be taken from him, that it would. I feel the same way. If I can learn the lessons I need to embody, understand and know, please spare me from what I see in my path. BUT, if this is the only way for me to work out my salvation, and I don't mean to be saved from hell, but to be given life here on earth, to live in abundance that can only come from God, through Christ, and my relationship with him, then I accept with open arms the journey he's laid out before me and my family.

I pray that you will accept the gift God gave us through the pain he suffered, so that you can be free from the oppression that comes from living for your pleasure and yourself. God calls us to him and to live intensely for his purposes in different ways. The burden of living for ourselves is heavy. We each live it in our own ways, I have judgementalness, perfectionist tendencies, and whatever else. Others have depression, self-focus and loathing.

I am working out my salvation, and I pray I will be here to raise my children and one day see theirs.